Google Reduces Organic Listings To Zero
Last night, Google, in another attempt to increase profits and keep shareholders happy, has added 7 new Ad slots to the first page of the search results, further reducing the number of organic listing to zero.
News Breaks, Riots Ensue
As the news broke late Friday night, large groups of SEO professionals were spotted rioting in the streets, setting their laptops on fire, and battling the line at the unemployment office.
The news came as a major shock to the industry, which has traditionally been focused on increasing online exposure by providing valuable content for users and following search engine optimization best-practices.
Industry Response: SEOs Talk Back
Local search agency owner, Jim Kurzweil, when asked about the changing state of the industry, commented: “Well, researching ways to poison myself just got more difficult.”
One of the most surprising responses came from former head of Google webspam team, Matt Cutts.
Cutts, who had officially left Google in late December to join the USDS , came out of retirement to put the nail in the coffin: “That’s it, SEO is DEAD. There, I said it!”
FedEx Kinkos centers have been affected inadvertently as well, many running out of paper due to the massive influx of former SEO professionals printing off resumes.
“If I see one more fucking SEO come in here and print a resume, we’re going to have to chop down another rainforest. I hope you all don’t like BIRDS!!!!”” said local New York Kinkos employee Allison Gurner.
“These people think that every position on their resume needs to have at least 2000+ words in order to stand a chance! They keep asking me for the keyword density checker in Microsoft Word and I have NO fu*%ing clue what that is!” continued Gurner.
Transitioning Industries: Finding A Way Back To Profitability
Tom Bedford, another former SEO veteran, quickly decided to a transfer to new form of online marketing – influencer marketing.
Bedford started an Instagram account and has resorted to promoting weight loss tea just to make a few bucks, despite self-identifying as a “completely average looking, kinda fat” man.
He admitted that he had amateurishly photoshopped his face onto bodybuilders in an attempt to compete with the insta-model crowd.
“There’s no way these bodies are even real! How can they expect me to make it in this market? I’m desperate!” said Bedford.
Is There A Way Out? Some Say Yes.
Surprisingly, after only a few hours since the update, various solutions to the problematic layout are starting to pop up online.
A new product called “The Google Gorilla Layout Bazooka Sniper Volcano” was released on Warrior Forum only 2.5 hours after the news broke.
The 13 page PDF claims to have “Found the secret sauce to beating the algorithm!”
It sells for $7 and also includes “Adwords Avalanche Alchemy Academy 2.0” as a bonus.
At the time of print, the product promoter says he only has a “limited number of copies of the PDF,” and encourages anyone that is interested in “dominating their niche” and “crushing the competition” to act quickly.
In addition, several SEO companies are now promoting “Top of Page 2 Rankings” to their clients as a means to an end.
“Well, That’s as good as it gets for us now.” said Ken Hardy, PR manager for Regency SEO Agency.
The Future Of SEO
What will come of this new change? No one really knows, but as of right now the world seems to be ending for SEO as we know it.
The sun seems to be shining for the PPC folks, though.
Happy April Fools Day!
haha.. good one! you almost gav me a heart attack!
Very Funny for April Fools Day
Hilarious! “Gorilla” is a great name too. lol
OK that was pretty funny…
LOL!!! Nicely done!
Honestly I almost went nuts. The poor squirrels in those poor trees!
That’s not cool
Oh man – that was good. You got me!
Thank you for the heart attack guys, much appreciated.
Bastards! You scared the s*”t outta me! I’m just now tying to recover a website that I neglected for too long. Then I read this and go: “great, all my work wasted. Hope I’m a good PPC copywriter! Lol.
Oh my gosh!!! You got me there, admin.
I just wanted to start cursing Google right now, lol.
I saw this earlier and canceled 47 orders and moved all that money into PPC. I didn’t realize it was a joke til now.
Ohh my god! 🙂
You just joked seriously….Oh no..!!!
lol had me about half way through, then saw the tea detox pic lol
Better start working on that resume with 2k of rich content. lol. Very funny guys.
Hey! I was shocked and carefully read it line by line with rapt attention. I just opened office to employ writers to scale up my blogging career and I’m kinda feeling this slow tiredness in me…… you guys really got me today.
You got me offline. Kudos.
You had me sweating at first. It’s so believable too!! LOL Great one guys 🙂
Love This, best April Fools in a long time. Full of fun. Thank you for the great time.
wow, I really believed it, perfectly done
Oh my god, I nearly puked in my mouth.. best April fool ever
Not Good. Dean Keaton with Keaton SEO was just ambulance rushed to the E.R. as a result of reading into this article. Recommendations are to stay away: not all jokes are harmless. I hope yer APR goes better’n mine cuz all I got is 1 close friend struggling to stay alive right now in the hospital, and a pretty bad outlook into SEO right now…
Darn, you had me there!
Please read the entire post – before “Telling your boss what you really think about her – like i did ” – now that i have no job to go to Monday – I will be looking at purchasing a few of those limited pdf’s and getting in the bone marrow line at the local hospital…Great Joke – I needed a push into the streets.
Nice! I was a little suspect but I did not put it past them so had to keep reading. Well played.
I read it with carefully and I decided to cotinue selling engagement rings because it´s my business and I need to eat all days.
I friggin read the whole thing. Just couldn’t wrap my head around it. Good job!
Funny, I just wrote a serious blog called The Search Engine Squeeze… today in fact. Your blog would be funny if it were not so believable! Happy April 1st : )
Wow…yes agree..Heart attack.I think you also predicted what would REALLY happen if such a thing would be found true one day. On the radio 3 years ago. Google spoke publicly of this same type of future, I heard it myself while in a store for light fixtures. Sounded ridiculous at the time.
You make me scare
I just cancelled my orders with thehoth and demand a refund
NOT FUNNY :-}
well ok yeah this was a good one. Keep up the good work.
You got me. Srsly, guys. But well done for making the most clickable email I have seen in a long time. Worthy to rival Perry Marshall.
wow you got me there as well ha ha
It was real heart atack. First I thought it’s possible. Great
Y0u dirty m********r! Got 3 heartattacs whenIRead this!! You really got me…good job 😉
This almost got me! The real joke is if this is real by this time next year.
Nicely done, it was very convincing.
This is joke today but believe me sooner or later this will be reality!
Some search queries even today have (not all) but first 4-5 results of ads.
Dang, I was going OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG all the way thru the thing.
Impressively done and certainly woke me up this morning FAST…
Thanks for the wake up and humor, I needed it today!
Nooooooooooooo you got What was that? Looool, nice April Fool message my colleague we do SEO analytics together was almost faiting.
Nice One guys….lol
Wow…yes agree..Heart attack.I think you also predicted what would REALLY happen if such a thing would be found true one day. On the radio 3 years ago. Google spoke publicly suggesting this same type of future, I heard it myself while in a store shopping for light fixtures. Sounded ridiculous at the time. And scary…
like mattcutt did on 2015!!! lol
I knew it was an April Fool’s joke but I just had to check, just in case.
Lol.. very funny indeed
Rotten no good for nothing scoundrel!!!
Err meh gawd
Hahaha. Thought this one was real for a moment. Then, the analytical side of my brain kicked in and said, “let me check to see if this isn’t an April Fool’s joke.” I’m glad I listed to my analytical side. 🙂
By the way… have you heard the one about an SEO expert who walked into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Grey Goose…
Oh I just prayed to God That there should be one way at list . I felt like I am done. I left my job and entered into the world of blogging and still learning . Tears came down. And sight was opaque.
Thank god It was joke. And the most terrifying joke for April Fool.
I feel that the person who thought this type of joke i believe that there was DEVIL inside him. Who was laughing by imagining the situation of the readers.
What a great article! I called my business partner to relay the prank 😉 Got him rollin’ too! Cheers to a great year of SEO!
I pooped a little, then remembered what day it was… Hahahaa
Google can’t be that crazy or has it become that crazy to pull itself out of business! That was my reaction till reaching the closing statement.
It scared the hell out of me! Good job
This is dumb clickbait and it wasnt even convincing or clever. As if no one say this coming considerring it would knock out a whole industry overnight which would probably cause an economic collapse.
Thanks anon you rock, sorry about trying to make people smile, you are my role model of reality
Nothing wrong with it being a linkbait! Well worked out, and yes it an April fool exercise!
F*&k 😀 😀 :d .. i really got scared 😛
Hahaha! Totally bought it! Very entertaining!
100% Ads. That is classic. An SEOs worst nightmare. Love this piece. Kinkos ran out of paper…lol
Well I asked the guy about “Adwords Avalanche Alchemy Academy 2.0” and he said we can live a life “all luxury, all the time” if we just cough up the $7
hahaha love it !! best April Fool’s for a long time – done with style .. bravo
hahahahah…. I didn’t even realize it was april fools day till I read this. I missed my chance to do my own pranks today. nice one
What a gag! I feel sorry for those who didn’t take the time to read through – can you imagine! It had me thinking that it might be time to switch over to Bing. Not scary though; if Google really did make such a change I suspect they’d unavoidably lose a decent chunk of market share in the nature of users who don’t like having to wade through a bunch of ads just to find some real info.
had u guys from the ‘breaking news – 1 april’ but loved the article. that was a laugh
Maybe funny, but its a near future predicition anyways. I’d seriously start focusing on PPC and google’s QS with landing pages and steer clear of SEO. I’ve said it since more ads appeared on the top and bottom of the organic.
I actually did a google search to check before even finishing the article.
Nice one guys.
#%## #### #$##@ &*%# 🙂
Geez my heart was beating fast all throughout while thinking again how to strategize with my SEO clients. Almost gave me a heart attack!
Man you guys almost gave me heart attack. lol
This is THE BEST April Fool’s Joke ever!
Ya’ had me goin’ there for about two seconds … then I remembered what day it is. LOL. Thanks for the laugh. :-))
lol.. first I thought It’s really happened..
Hahaha, you had me at 100% ads. Had to confirm before reading on!
I read this for a solid minute with my jaw dropped and started reading it out loud to my wife, while saying out loud “this has to be a joke!” Finally, I got to the riots part and realized it was April 1st. Good job guys! This is the only one I fell for.
Gees, you got me there!! I need hip replacement now..
I wouldn’t be surprised & it might happen sooner.
Best April Fool Joke Ever
I was get shocked when reading, it was a heart break moment. It’s too funny. Just Nice.
Lol, I’m being fool now. Best joke ever for us!
Damn it. I would have to read end part first 😀
You got me .. Nice one and happy fools day
You just got me man !!!
I was shocked and so damn scared, which pushed me to read the whole story word by word. :'(
No, words left buddy. Best thing gonna happen this year for sure and worst gonna get wiped away.
Wish you all the very best of 2k17.
Google Reduces Organic Listings To Zero!!!! :p I am dead then.
you got me! you really had me going there for a minute…well done
My god 🙂
Does anyone have a link to the PDF on warrior forum lol!
More truth is told in jest! Just saying!
Sitting on Sunday thinking I’m reading an important UPDATE! hahahaa, I need to know who prepare this by name!lol
thank you very much. First time I got fooled since the Facebook-Maxbounty sale. “SEO is DEAD” image made it so real.
WTF thehoth I have read the half news and go to searching on google for this update. 😀
Welcome Facebook ads and now the second pág will become more interesting
And I thought April fool jokes didn’t work anymore, 😉
Oh god. I was shocked
I had guessed but nice joke
I knew that.. 😀 😀 hahahaha
lol I was half way through the article and my heart was beating two times as fast as when I just started reading. Than I leaned back in my chair and said wait… It’s April Fools day.
This was a good one. Really got me lol
Lol. I freaked out–good one!
I started to get suspicious when the writer mentioned those pdfs, lol.
If I didnt live in Australia and experienced Fool’s jokes yesterday you may of had me!
That was hilarious guys! You had me until the second sentence!
The funny thing is though this isn’t far from what is actually happening. Google ads take up 7 out of 17 spaces on the first page….
You bastards, I read this on the 3rd lol!
My heart just skipped a beat for a moment there but halfway reading I started craken up! That was hilarious and a classic April Fools joke! Well done chaps you got me there 🙂
ohh no!! 100% ads… SEO DEAD!
waoo…haha.. good one! you almost gav me a heart attack!
Dont do that again .-)
Haha….you guys had me going there for a minute!
Nicely done, it was very convincing
I actually ended up doing some checks to find out what was happening when this was emailed to me and then I realised, wait a minute it’s April the 1st!
Wow.. it is ridicoulous , it is true that Google used 10 spaces on first page ?
No, it’s not true. This is an April Fools article.
That was funny 🙂 Got me scared anyways.
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Hahaha. what a funny joke.
This got me rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks for this.
It’s really very funny
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